Torn

My house is a mess and I'm listening to an "Indie Folk" playlist. I'm taking advantage of my free time and getting rid of some stuff before the plunge of these next two months. I think something hit me last night because I was so overcome with sorrow. Wow, that sounds dramatic - but realizing that I have 10 weeks left in this place, where I've had a wonderfully strange year and grown in so many ways, where I might never come back, and that soon I have to say Goodbye to my glorious 6-year-old students...

I feel like my heart is undergoing a de-junking as well. Not sure if I can explain any more than that. I just feel a little ripped apart.

Recovery

Day 5 of my vacation finds me in my humble apartment, fighting off bronchitis. Cool. Actually, I don't mind it so much. No, I'm not going someplace awesome like Thailand or Japan, or Malaysia, but I couldn't even if I was well, because I didn't budget for that.

I didn't realize it would be a bit lonely, how much I take work for granted, and just seeing people everyday. But this is the rest I needed. I've been going and going, barely stopping to eat right. At least I was eating. Now, I'm desperately trying to put weight back on because I look like an anorexic. I was nauseous near the beginning of this sickness and it took its toll. I hate being skinny. I have never felt more ugly.

I've been able to rest and I end up napping for a couple of hours during the day. I try not to, so I can get to bed at a decent time, but when the afternoon rolls around, fighting off sleep is tough, especially with such a comfy bed...

Yesterday, I went to the GFN radio station and did a tag interview - some fun thing that the station does for foreigners. I was asked a bunch of questions about myself and was allowed to talk to my heart's content. At first I got a little flustered with the glaring "On Air" sign, the headphones on, and the microphone in my face, so when I listen to it tonight I'm sure I'll cringe at the obvious brain farting - but I soon settled into it. I had so much fun! Sometimes it's good to just talk. For someone to ask questions and to feel no qualms about hogging the whole conversation. Most of the time I feel a bit guilty if I've talked all about myself (I mean, duh, I'm not going to feel guilty about this because it's my blog,) but with the interview, I was expected to. Since it's a "tag interview" that means that one week I'm the interviewee and the next week I choose someone to interview. My friend, Rachel, agreed to do it, but she doesn't have a phone so it's a waiting game with facebook to see what time she's available...

The Christmas Eve Post

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a terrible fever, a nasty, deep cough, dizziness, and a runny nose. I had had a headache the night before, but this sickness came as a surprise. I suppose when I make my body do so much, it eventually quits, especially if a break is drawing near. This was the day before Christmas break was to begin. I called my boss in tears, partly because I was feeling like poop, and partly because I hate disappointing someone. She suggested I go to the doctor and then come into work at 1:30 for the Christmas pictures that were to be taken with the students and "Santa." I was sleeping most of the morning and so didn't make it to the hospital (by the way, when a person is sick, the only option for healthcare is a hospital, rather than a doctor's office. This doesn't always mean the person is so sick that they need an emergency room. This is just how it is in Korea.)

I went into work at 1:30 like I promised, feeling a little better after taking some tylenol, to bring down my fever. My boss had offered for me to go home again after 2:30 if I was still feeling low. I did the dumb thing and stuck it out. We were giving the Big Test for the month and I figured I could just sit down and wait it out. I left at 6:00 to catch my 7:10 bus to Jinju. This whole time I had a fever that was in and out. Walking down the street in the cold, with three heavy bags, feeling dizzy - man, it was rough.

I arrived at KatieMichael's and they were so sweet to immediately offer me tea and my bed. I mean, wow, so hospitable. They scoured their apartment for some nyquil, which I took and then drifted off to sleep. I woke up at 5:00, 6:30, and 7:00 and watched Tangled as I was dozing. Side note, I love that movie. I was feeling nauseous, still hacking, and feverish. I decided to give in and go to the hospital. I was hesitant to go because I didn't want it to cost as much as the time I went upon arriving in Korea. I told KatieMichael when they woke up that I would be going to the hospital. They insisted on going with me - which, of course, I wouldn't say no to. I hate hospitals. I hate that they prick me with needles and bruise my tender inner arm. Yuck. So much discomfort.

We took a taxi to a hospital Michael knew. After wandering around for a while, we were directed towards the information desk. The doctor came out and assessed my situation. He then informed us that this was a "3rd Degree" hospital and would be doing lab work, meaning they would charge a lot of money. I had been praying that I wouldn't have to spend so much money, so this was a blessing that he mentioned this. We got in another taxi and went to a different hospital, that supposedly was much cheaper.

Unfortunately, not much English was spoken by the receptionist. A doctor who could speak and understand me, translated a little but he left as promptly as he had come. Then, out of nowhere, was this wonderful girl, speaking English fluently. She looked over my shoulder and was making suggestions as I was filling out my paperwork. She then took it upon herself to guide me through the rest of my visit, dragging me around the hospital, to the different stations, to speak to the doctor, get an x-ray done, and do some blood work. She was there with her American friend who had some kidney stone trouble. She was such a God-send! I found out her name later - Suji (pronounced Suzy.) She was being my mom when I needed one! She kept feeling my head for a fever, rubbing my back, talking to me. Oh my goodness. I know the visit would have been hellish had she not been there. Thank you, Suji!

We went back to KatieMichael's and I skyped my family. They were all together, and I wanted to cry. I love my family too much for words. They were all sitting there, watching me, (I was pretty drowsy,) but they were having a good time, making jokes and holding the cats up to the screen to say Hello. Oh, family. I'm so sorry that I can't be there for Christmas. You are all loved so much. I'll be home soon.

P.S. Ashley, I listened to the song "Santa Will Find You" again and cried T_T I don't know why I do that to myself.

Here are a few pics from the day. I've decided to play around with my camera and settings since I'm confided to be indoors, and this room. I don't want to infect KatieMichael.

 Post-hospital visit. This was after a few hours of sleeping this afternoon. Strugggllle.

 The wonderful guest room that KatieMichael allow me to take over whenever I come visit. This room and I will become very well acquainted during my stay here.

 The stash ^_^ There's a bag for each of us.

 Their tree.

 The meds, to be taken three times a day for about a week. Yay, medicine. (In case you can't detect the sarcasm, I actually hate it.)

 A. I'm crazy and keep a million tabs up all at once. Don't judge. B. What's Christmas without a little Charlie Brown? Only the best.

Christmas is in four days?!

I just realized that everyone back in the States is busy Nut-crackin' it up and I'm just breezing through December. I've been teaching and busy with other projects after work, that I've barely sat down and soaked in the holiday spirit. There aren't many places here that make a person feel like it's really Christmas - not like in the States. Starbucks does that. That's about it.

All of my family members have gifts being sent to them (thank you, Online Shopping, you make living in a country separate from my family much easier during the holidays), and KatieMichael, with whom I will spend Christmas, also have their gifts wrapped. I do need a few more trinkets for them though...

But, is it really Christmas? I feel so blank about it. Rather, I feel less "Christmas-y." I am really able to focus on the reason for this holiday. Jesus is what it's about, y'all. Every other Christmas before this has been wrought with cookies, presents, wrappings, trees, bows, lights, Christmas movies, decorations, and all the hullabaloo that surrounds December. I've decided I will watch one of my favorite Christmas movies on Christmas Eve or Day. I don't want to be too nostalgic about it all. After all, I don't know if I'll have another international Christmas celebration. The rest of my life, it might be spent in the States, so I need to enjoy being in the moment. But back to the movie: "It's a Wonderful Life" cannot be missed. I already saw "The Polar Express" and "A Charlie Brown Christmas."

It feels so different here. It's ok though. I know that my family loves me and I'll see them soon. I already did my crying over missing the holiday with them last year. See what I did there? Got all those tears out early.

God has been exposing some interesting things these past couple of days. I'm not ready to share it with anyone - or rather, I want to, but I know that I need to prayerful about it first. But know that my silence doesn't mean zero productivity...it never does ;-)

So far, this week, I:

- Shuffled my last with the wonderful children of MDream.
- Sang some Christmas songs in church; they were of course familiar to me, but some of the songs, my fellow church members had only sung in Korean before. It was very endearing.
- Made my lesson plan for the first week of January (i.e. time is flying)
- Did a Korean/English swap at Starbucks with a co-teacher ^_^
- Cancelled my gym membership and was able to get most of my money back.
- Was inspired to exercise, but do it more cost efficiently = running in the snow at 7am in conjunction with the aforementioned gym membership cancellation.
- Found out the next step God would have me take. I'm almost positive this blog will be littered with more thoughts on the subject. Until then....

I apologize for the many depressing posts. Looking back over them, I realize they are heavy. If you didn't know me, (face to face that is,) you might not know that I actually have happy moments in my life! And no matter how angst-ridden my blog is, I do have an underlying joy. I feel comfortable enough with my small audience (or if no one reads this, that would be just as well) to type out the inner-workings of my heart. Since I'm coming upon another transition in my life, I will warn you that there will be more rambling, whiny posts, crying out for direction. Unless direction comes sooner than I expect...

I had a lovely sick day yesterday. I really despise taking sick days, since it doesn't enter into Korea's vocabulary, and Korean people forge ahead, come fever or pneumonia. I happened to be flattened by a bad migraine. I woke up at 3 am, awakened by the pain pounding in my head, and was able to sleep again an hour later. Up again at 7, I decided the day was better spent in bed, rather than being angry at my poor, oblivious students. A headache-y Margy Teacher is not a good teacher.

Today, it was back to work. I found the day went considerably faster while I was working, than yesterday, when I was in and out of sleep. Funny how staying busy, or rather, having a purpose, makes life more enjoyable. This is what I'm most afraid of: going back to the States, where I will rest for the minimum of one month (it could be longer, depending on how exhausted I am from life.) I can foresee myself laying around the house all day, wishing for an occupation, something to give my life meaning. Some way to serve. I'm so frightened of being still. Maybe this is something I need to work on? Because God likes us to be still and ponder him.

I have nothing else to say.

Not Korea

"You are not being sent to a people of obscure speech and strange language, but to the people of Israel— not to many peoples of obscure speech and strange language, whose words you cannot understand." Ezekiel 3:5-6

This was what I read immediately after praying, "show me, show me....where am I supposed to be?"

I got my answer. And now I'm broken-hearted.

More praying needs to happen before this becomes concrete in my mind...but the initial idea, I hate.

Some disgruntled feelings healed

For this whole year I've been struggling with something in the Bible. I'm sure I've mentioned it in a previous post, but it's the one concerning women in leadership (in the church.) I feel that God has specifically called me to lead people. I'm not sure what this looks like, what I will be doing, or where. I do have this vision of brights lights in a dark auditorium, and that I'm speaking to a room full of women. Other than that, every stepping stone to that place is hidden from me.

I came across that greatly-disputed verse in 1 Timothy:

"I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

and the sister verse in 1 Corinthians:

"Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission*, as the Law says."

I'm sorry, God - I love your word...but yuck. I mean, really?? I'm not a silent kind of girl. I'm sure that as the years go by, God has mellowed my heart and tongue, but usually if something needs to be said, I'll say it! When I saw these verses earlier in the year, I was so disheartened. This was after I felt God's calling to lead people. How am I supposed to lead people if I'm supposed to be "silent"?

I talked with several trusted friends and even my pastor about this. None of them could give me a straight answer. Last night, I ran into the assistant pastor of the church I attend, Wolgwang English Ministry, and we fell upon this topic. He's in seminary now (or something to that equivalent, studying for his Master's - sorry that I can't remember the specifics! My poor memory bleahhhhhhhh) so he's often in the word, studying and  deciphering it. I really appreciate his insight. He told me this:

"Many people want to take this literally and use it for today's culture. What they fail to do, it realize that this was Paul speaking about a specific church for a certain time in history. [For the Corinthians' verse] this was for the church in Corinth. The women there were allowed to teach for a time, but because many of them were prone to talking too much, and their conversation was idle and gossipy, Paul decided to stop them from leading altogether. Sometimes women are better suited to a certain type of leadership. There are many women pastors that are blessed by God and obviously being used by him. The ideal type of leadership, would be the team of a man and a woman, each bringing their unique gifts and complementing each other."

This had to be the most concrete answer I've received on this subject. I met somebody this year who introduced himself, and almost in the same breath, he told me that women shouldn't go to seminary or lead in a church setting. Awesommmmeeeeee. Excellent choice for an introduction. I wasn't too crazy to hear that, especially since it was near the time that I discovered and really meditated on the two previous verses.

All this to say:

Mr. Man that said I couldn't go to seminary, and everybody else that wants to be sexist about God's plan for my life - God doesn't put limits on his children. He created me with specificity and for a purpose. I intend to be used to the fullest extent of my abilities. If that means leading, then I will do it. If that means serving (which is usually what leading means) then of course, I will serve. I want to be used and being a woman will not stop me. God has gifted me and will use me especially because I am a woman.

*Please note that the word "submission" is not a favorite of mine. This, however, is something I realize I should do, for God, for a possible future spouse (if God chooses to bless me with one) etc. It's true, I'm not good at submitting. This is most likely obvious to anyone who stumbles across my ramblings. It's a daily struggle, giving up my "I can do it myself" attitude, but it is something that must be done. This is a work in progress. I'm not done yet.

As a Christian tattooed lady...

I definitely appreciate what this article has to say about about tattooing in correlation to the Bible.

http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/f/tattoochristian.htm

Just thought I'd share ^^

keeping

I've been frustrated with God's silence. I'm still learning how to listen and open my ears. This is difficult, when I'm prone to think I'm the only one with things to say.

Since I left my Bible at church last week, I've been using my computer more for looking up verses. This is good and bad: good because I can read more scripture, faster, and it's easier to find cross-references for verses. Bad, because I'm distracted by the little white "f" in a blue box beckoning from my taskbar. Ohhhhhhh facebook, how you entice. I was sitting in front of my computer this morning, fuming at God, because of his tight lip, when this verse came to mind: Deuteronomy 7:9. It wasn't just the words that struck me - this verse came with its own tune! It was one that I had heard as a kid, listening to G.T. and the Halo Express. Who here remembers hearing these stories on cassette tape...? :-)

"Remember that the Lord your God is God. He is a faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."

As a child, I would sing along, usually at the top of my little vocal chords, and not think twice about the words. Thanks, Mom, for ingraining so many verses into my head. Now, as an adult, I am able to pull from my store and meditate on these things.

When I look deeper at the verse, I'm struck by two things:

1. Faithful.
2. He keeps.

These are both actions. They may be thought of as stagnant words, but when I ponder them more, they're powerful.

1. God is to be trusted. We can put our faith in him. Whatever plans we concoct will fall terribly short in comparison. He is faithful in everything - how he provides is breathtaking. Anything good in my past did not come from my doing. Conversely, every heartache was usually brought on by myself.

2. God doesn't let me walk out alone. Whenever I take a step of faith, he's right there with me. He keeps me accountable, he keeps me fed, he keeps me joyful, he keeps me blessed. I never thought I would like "being kept." Sounds medieval, yes? I'm thinking, "a kept woman." No, I'm all about independence. But, in this case, it's perfectly ok to be kept by God. After all, he keeps me from harm and he keeps me for better things.

I've got to start trusting more.

this next year

This lovely girl:

http://chaispice.tumblr.com/

is truly anointed by God. I "follow" her on this site, tumblr.com, and she'll post the most radical, moving things. I recently read that I shouldn't praise the messenger, so I will try not to. God uses her in poignant, quiet ways. I say quiet, because this is all via the internet, with no facial or vocal expressions; just black words on a white screen. And yet, God knocks the wind out of me each time I see it.

I was reading through the "likes" stored on my account and this popped up:

>>I am Jesus, the One that you're not leaning on

I was the  One who brought you out of brokenness and depression in the first place. Will you not trust that I will keep carrying you? I care for you. I have everything you need. You won’t be put to shame; I won’t let that happen. Cling to Me. I know it’s going to be hard work - but I will equip you and bring strength to your bones. When you turn to Me, I will sustain you and you will commune with Me in such a way that people can’t help but see Me when they look at you. I won’t put you to shame. The next year will be hard - that’s why you must keep coming to Me, for My burden is light and My yoke is easy. The next few weeks will be difficult, but you must remember that it is I who will fight for you. And the next year is to be My year, not yours. I love you. Remember that I am a rewarder of those who seek Me with all they have.

Trust Me, beloved.

I am Jesus, the One you will come up out of the wilderness leaning on.<<

Powerful, yes? God can speak directly through people. I need to hear this. I need to hear God's voice as if he's talking only to me. Being a "Words of Affirmation" love-language girl, for someone to speak life into me means more than anything. Well, that, and if someone were to give me all their precious time. Those two things, to me, mean love.

"This next year will be hard..." And I thought this last year was difficult! Now that I'm almost on the other side, I look back and can see how it has all been used for good. This next year is frightening to me. My mom accused me of being scared. At first I denied it, and then I realized she was right. I feel more frightened than I did a year ago, preparing to come to Korea. I know Korea now, and I know the States. I know which one feels safer financially and comes with less stress. It's kind of a no-brainer.

I've recently had the most difficult time trusting that God has a plan for me. I mean, yeah, I know he does. But when I see something that I think I want, what I think might be best for me, I've always just gone for it. I'm an impulsive person and am not ashamed of being brash. However, I don't want to steer anymore. I just want to hand it all over and let God decide where I go and what I should do. Everything I tried to orchestrate in the past turned into a nasty mess, and caused unnecessary grief.

It's one thing to say all of this - and it's quite another to really, really trust God. I mean, with that being said, I could end up anywhere. Anywhere. Am I really ready to be anywhere for God? Maybe if he could give me a hint of where "anywhere" could be...? ;-)

Korean-style Thanksgiving

I haven't any pictures of last night's feast, but I can say that it was a success. So many people were crammed into a friend's apartment (which in the end, didn't feel too cramped because she has a living room, a kitchen and two bedrooms) and everyone brought some kind of food to share. I made stuffing - because no Thanksgiving meal is complete without it - and deviled eggs. And I was so proud! My mom gave me the recipe for the stuffing, which incidentally isn't rocket science, so I think it turned out alright. It was strange being away from my family for this holiday, and I know that Christmas will be weirder x23430958986. It's ok though. God is constant throughout.

This morning I'll go back to church - I've not been in three weeks, yikes! I've been traveling to Jinju a lot to visit my friends, KatieMichael. They are wonderful and every spare weekend I've had, I've wanted to see them. Now, I can feel the deadline for leaving Korea creeping closer and I'm wanted to enjoy every minute of my own city. Honestly, I don't want to leave. I feel like I'm not done here. There are still things to do and ways for me to grow. I know in the beginning I was saying things like, "I can't imagine wanting to stay here longer than a year...!" The idea of staying for my whole contract period was daunting. Of course those words would come back to bite me; and here I am! Finally feeling comfortable, finally able to communicate with Korea on a basic, basic, basic, level, finally feeling that I have a purpose. After these three months are gone, I know I'll experience re-entry shock, and feelings of being useless. God, I want to be used! I've been trying to pray for specific direction. As it is, I feel like I'm being tossed in the wind. I have ideas of what I could be doing for God, but I don't know how to go about putting those into action. Specificity. That's what I want. And discernment and wisdom. Please, God, please. I don't want to leave Korea without a clear direction.

It's been almost two months

since I injured my hip training for the 1/2. I think I will try and run tonight. laskdjfldjfkjdlfjkdjfsasaalkkkkk.

Longings: Part II

Why is it that I had such a difficult time adjusting to Korea, only to find that now, the idea of leaving sends me into a funk? I still have three months left here and I'm treating it like it's my last week! Gahhhh, I need to snap out of it. Life moves on. That's ok. I can't dwell in the past, or try and stay somewhere comfortable and fun forever. That's not how things work. Ohhhh man. I wish, I wish, I wish.

Open-Mics?

I'm finding that the weekends are so delightful. I sleep in, wherever I go (and by sleeping in, I mean until 9 am,) and have the whole two days to spend them however I choose. It's so nice to not be required to be here or there and get paid for it. All that to say, I find myself once again in Jinju (thanks KatieMichael!), relaxing on a hazy morning, catching up with myself. Throughout the week, I go so quickly during the day - everything is about teaching, prepping classwork, rushing to school, then rushing home to get in some free time, only to sleep and be at school again early the next day. So. Worn. Out. Yes, weekends are glorious.

I've been inspired recently to play/sing/write again. It's so nice, not having the obligation of NaNoWriMo, and I resurrected some songs that I wrote years ago. Since the weather is getting cooler, and I'll find myself indoors most of the time, and I would like to spend it playing music - - but I would like to play somewhere, rather than just in my room. So, foreigners in Gwangju, please comment and let me know where (in the downtown/Juweol-dong/Bongseon-dong neighborhoods) I could play. Thank you :-)

Project NaNo: Aborted

I was participating in the National Novel Writing challenge for this month and was well on my way with 20,000. Was. Oops - I guess I've said 'yes' to too many things and found that what little free time I had was being spent on that, and it wasn't even that much fun for me. Shouldn't free time be fun, and not a chore? So I quit. In that respect, I feel like a schmuck. Normally, I finish whatever I've started (save for that one time I was an RA and I had a coordinator from the underworld. I really couldn't stick that out for mental health reasons.) Moving along, I was undertaking this writing challenge with a couple of friends - we were holding each other accountable, motivating each other. But I quit. Phooey. Sorry, Michael, Mark Twain, and even Mike Combs. I had every intention of completing 50,000 words, but life got in the way, and I chose to play guitar instead. My advice to anyone doing the challenge: don't slack off, even for a day. It comes back to bite you - especially if you're not a seasoned, dedicated writer in the first place.

I am quite blue this week. It's difficult to put my finger on a specific thing. I guess because I have many things that are weighing heavy on my heart, things that I'm not at liberty to discuss online. Anyways, this week feels unusual. I've not been in 'the dumps' in a while and it feels so strange. I know that God is in control of everything and he cares for me, cares about every aspect of my life. Matthew 6:30-34 was a good reminder. But it's one thing to read it, and another to really believe it and take it to heart. I'm already checking out, having to leave in a little over three months and I feel detached from everything.

BLEAAHHhhhhhhhhhh.......

Oh, that's right

I feel everything too deeply, and I'm also afraid of having feelings. The end.

October + November

The Friends Came to Gwangju!

This has been a most eventful weekend :-) Yesterday was so filled to the brim that it felt like two days in one. I'm not even sure what to write about - - let's see....

This last week was my birthday and next week is Katie's. We're four days apart and so I'm happy they wanted to come up and spend the birthday celebration weekend with me. We went on a birthday shopping spree, hitting all my favorite shops downtown, eating sushi for lunch, Starbucks for an afternoon snack, and dinner at my favorite, but always acid-relfux inducing First Nepal. It was an excellent time.

My writing on the computer has consisted mostly of getting in 1,600 words a day for this National Novel Writing challenge for November. I'm thoroughly sick of it. I'm only at 20,000 today, and I still need to write 1,000 more if I am to finish by the end of the month. I chose a story, really my only idea - but now I'm finding the middle-of-the-month slump. My goodness, I hate it. I wish I could begin again. No matter. I just don't feel like updating much since I've had to exercise my fingers and brain with a different project.

I do feel bad about not updating. I
began this blog with gusto and now I've trailed off so that I'm not even writing anything of interest. AND there are no pictures!!! Being partly a visual learner, I need pictures to hold my interest. So here's one to tide you all over :-)

deep calls to deep

Oh, I've been so remiss in posting. I wish that I could be more motivated to share my thoughts and ideas this month. I feel like I've been cheating this blog out of some juicy details.

Ok, so nothing spectacular has been going on. October flew past. It's kind of shocking how quickly it went. Now I have month-whiplash. November kicked off with a Halloween day at LCI, complete with a haunted house and no classes (that was a nice reprieve,) and National Novel Writing Month, or whatever it's called. I don't consider myself a writer in the least, or I never thought I was because no one said I could. I mean, yeah, I can write. I've written songs. And some random ridiculous poems. I guess. I got through university with A's in English composition classes. And my students think I'm a good story-teller. My grammar and sentence structure on this blog is atrocious, so don't judge by what you read here! This is where I'm allowed to let it hang loose.

So I thought, "Why the heck not?" and dove into November 1st with 2,000+ words. The goal is to finish 50,000 words or more by the end of the month. We'll see if I have the endurance. I very much doubt that I'll want to write even more on this blog, with having to crank out 1,500 a day for the novel challenge. Or maybe, writing is like an appetite: the more you feed yourself, the more you want to eat, and your metabolism picks up speed and takes over...?

My birthday is in a week. I will be 23. I don't even know what age I feel anymore. At times I think that I'm still 16 and what am I doing in Korea living by myself, out from under the constant care of my parents? Other times I feel about 86 and what's the point of this life? I don't mean that in a morbid way. Just contemplating life and deciding what am I going to devote it to. It's so short and shouldn't be wasted.

I went to write to a friend about how I "live in South Korea," and at first, I made a typo: I wrote, "I love in South Korea." Funny how I didn't really want to change that. Because although Korea is not necessarily the most comfortable place for me, it's a place where I've received the most from God of anywhere - the most attention, love, peace, wisdom. I know it's not the place, but the time in my life. This has been a time of renewal. I'm becoming who I was always supposed to be, and yet totally changed. So yeah. I don't just live here: I love in South Korea.

just the blueprint of a blueprint

The Eat, Pray, Love author has finally admitted that there is a God - - but she's still saying that all roads lead to salvation. *Sigh* ah well. I'm not so agitated with the book anymore. It passes the time during my acupuncture sessions.

Did I mention that I've been having acupuncture for my right hip for almost two weeks now? Well, I have. And actually, it's something that I look forward to. It's a chance for me to relax after a long day of work. To close my eyes if I want to. To slow down and read for a half hour. I really, truly look forward to being stuck with several needles in my rear end every evening. And there's no sarcasm there.

Tomorrow's Thursday already - the weeks continue to fly by. I have mixed feelings about this: on the one hand, I don't want my life to speed along; conversely, I'm impatient and I always look forward to the next thing. The quick passage of time is (sometimes) something I welcome.

I've already had people asking, "So, what's next?"

...What is the next step? What will I do with my life? This has been an eventful year, but it's time to really get down to business and start climbing that career ladder, right, Leigh Margaret?

No.

I used to have all these desires. I wanted to do A., B., and C. by the time I was 22. And here I am, about to be 24 (according to Korea, haha) and I've not accomplished anything like I thought I would. I am so thankful that I didn't. If my "dream" had come true, I would be unhappily married in a small town in Eastern NC. Wishing that I could be designing costumes somewhere reputable. As it is, I'm a free lady living abroad, not using the major that I slaved over, or the previously proclaimed passions - and I'm so content with that idea. Sure, I get uncomfortable with life here and there, but I'm really so pleased with so many opportunities ahead of me.

That being said, I feel that God has changed my heart's desires and direction. I've been pondering eternity (a lot) recently, and my life looks so small. I'll be gone in a blink - but THEN, oh my goodness. To live forever is dizzying. That's why I want to make the most of the little time I have on this Earth. What can I do that will really make a difference? What is it that's going to change lives and be a positive influence for God?

I can't answer these questions right now. Before, I was hearing "wait," and now I see that God needed to refocus my mind. I hope to stay flexible and open to whatever, whenever, and wherever.

Eat, Pray, and Pretend That Somebody Gives a Rat's A** About Your Pitiful Manic Ramblings in a Book the Thickness of a Cereal Box

I mean, really- why am I reading this? Why do I continue to pick up this self-indulgent, self-help-book-in-disguise-as-a-novel? I've already seen the movie and therefore know how the story ends. What is it about this journey in my hands has me interested?

She's not even sane, I think. I mean, she's a writer, and what writer is...? They're either tragic introverts that cannot hold a decent conversation unless it's through some technology device; OR they're outgoing and frighteningly egotistical, but put on a show like they have low self-esteem so as to be accepted by the majority of the world. She's totally a fence-sitter. Can't make up her mind. Prays to God, but doesn't want to be firm in acknowledging that she can hear his voice. Instead, it's "that calm, compassionate, affectionate, and infinitely wise voice (who is maybe me, or maybe not exactly me.)" CHOOSE SOMETHING FOR ONCE. Ok, so you took a step to "find yourself" in three different countries (p.s. anyone can do that), but good grief, have a backbone. And then she drops all of these Italian words, like she's fluent or something.

Why am I so annoyed with this book?

Do you ever really dislike something in yourself? Of course, yeah, most of us have something that we would like to change. For me, it's pride. I have a natural confidence that can sometimes translate into pride, and I realize I have it, only when I see it in someone else. I am so peeved by this other person's lack of humility that I almost lose sight of the fact that it's me exactly, and like looking in a mirror. A mirror never tells us anything we want to see.

I wonder if my journey to South Korea is too similar to her story. I escaped my life in the States, just like she did. I ran away from a lot of financial worries, I left a broken "non"-relationship, I immersed myself in a new culture in an effort to cleanse my mind and heart. But I can see a stark difference. Yes, I keep a blog that is similar to this novel I'm reading. We are both searching for affirmation, pleasure, our life's purpose. Except - - I think I already know mine. She's planned her trip, but her heart-map is blind. She feeds her body, her "soul" and her libido but totally misses the mark. My heart is laid before my God, ready and anxious to begin its work, but I don't own a map for my body to follow....not yet, at least.

Oh, that's right

You have a plan for me.

pourquoi?

I really don't understand life sometimes. Why do things go wrong? Why do they not go the way I want them to go? "All things work together for good..." but it's not very good right now!

I was able to get to an acupuncturist so he could assess my hurting leg. It's been a few weeks now that I've had pain in my right calf muscle - but it was a deeper pain than just the lactic acid working its normal magic. There came a point (the other night) when I was running with a limp that went away during the run only because my endorphins kicked in (your body's natural painkiller is stronger than any manufactured one. Ever.) Upon returning home after a quick 4-miler, I could barely stand on my right leg, I was in so much pain. I'm ashamed to say that I crumbled in a sniffling heap on my floor because of it.

I did some stretches, but realized that this wasn't any ordinary running pain. After consulting with my mom, she suggested I find some kind of therapy. I wanted to stay away from anywhere that might just pass me some drugs. I want to eliminate the pain, not mask it.

So, off to the acupuncturist I went. Korea has made me so unabashed about my body. With the naked spas, laser hair removal - and now acupuncture on my hip - nothing is sacred. Good grief. Come to find out, it's not painful at all, and actually, feels kind of good. They took a hickey-machine to my skin to draw the blood closer to the surface. Since certain tissues in the body don't circulate blood as well as others, this is necessary and unfortunately uncomfortable - but only because it was ticklish. Then, the needles went in and I sat for about 10 or 15 minutes under a heat lamp. The doctor came in and told me I'd need to come back for more treatment and also said that I could not exercise for two weeks   **record scratches** WHAT.

If some of you have been reading this recently, you'll know that I've been training for my first half-marathon. I'm very excited to have a goal like this. I've always wanted to run, but never had the motivation + the time to devote. Since being in Korea, I have both and I feel superb! I used to hate running and now I look forward to the solitude; I can get away and just run; explore Gwangju and feel unencumbered by anything,

I'm afraid of what my body will do in two weeks. I rely on exercise to keep myself sane (otherwise I become anxious and depressed once a month) and so without it - who knows. Also, I don't want to lose the cardio or muscle I've built up (what little I have, haha!)

All that to say, I was crushed with the idea that I might not be able to race in a month. I mean, I've been training for three months and really looking forward to this.

After (again) consulting with my mom (who informed me that she had a similar injury when she was training for her first 1/2 marathon) she said that if I swim during the two weeks while I'm resting, and then build up in the two weeks prior to the race, I should be fine.

This is so long and drawn out. I'm tempted to just delete it all. But I think that would defeat the purpose of this blog. So here it all is. I'm really hoping I can run this race. I really wish my leg was able to be used with limping on it. I would really like to fast forward just a bit in my life. What is this for? Why am I going through this setback? I can't see it yet...but I'm sure I'll be writing about it when I do.

Tin-girl

I believe that certain life experiences can create a calloused heart. The wounded try very hard to let misguided insults just roll off - but in so many cases, the injuring words are like pressing your fingers into guitar strings; the pain only goes away because you can't feel it through your roughened fingertips. It's still there, and maybe still doing damage, but the musician is oblivious.

Who would forget words like, "I haven't loved you for a long time..."

"...I've never loved you..."

"...You never made me happy..."

"...If that's how you feel about this then I'm not even going to try..."

Abandonment. Rejection. Wounds.

For a long time, I've not allowed anything too close. I still don't want anybody close - but ever so gently, God is chipping away at my heart.

Two verses that echo each other are found in Ezekiel:

11:19 I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

As the Lord works on my spirit, he's making me more human and more like him at the same time. Because my non-stone heart? It's made of his flesh.

The covenant of the old Testament was written in stone, but the new covenant, the hadesh covenant, will be written on my heart. To be renewed and rebuilt is not to change the original, but to bring new life to it. Just how the moon is not "new" every month, but only seen in a new light. The new testament didn't come to change the old; rather, it came to reflect the truths and rebuild it. Under his new word, I will live according to his will because I desire to. He's giving me his heart.

He's breaking it for what breaks his own. We will have one heart in the end. Heart status? Maybe 42% original.

Nekevah

Perhaps some of you have already understood this - - I didn't. Isn't it amazing how the Bible can continue to speak new life and grant epiphanies, even after years of reading it?

Jeremiah 31:21-31

These verses caught my eye because of the strange gender-bending boundaries in verse 22:
"How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? The Lord will create a new thing on earth - a woman will surround a man."

What does that even mean? 'A woman will surround a man'?! This immediately brings to mind the idea that 'behind every great man, there is a great woman,' and 'the man is the head, and the woman is the neck,' (to quote a cheesy movie.)

I did a little more studying and found that the Hebrew word for woman/female here is nekevah. This word has a homophone that means, 'boundary.' Basically, the woman will be a 'boundary setter,' surrounding or enclosing the man. So strange. Recently, I've had a lot of conversations concerning how women were viewed in the Bible, and should we hold on to that today. You know the verses: 1 Timothy 2:11-12 about women being quiet and submissive and "I do not permit women to teach or have authority over a man; she must be silent." Yeah, I have no clue why this is in the Bible, but I'll be honest: it makes me super angry. Hence the conversations with people, debating on whether this was just Paul speaking, if this is completely from the Lord, or maybe it's a cultural thing for that time. I've still not figured it out.

The reason I'm so huffy about it, is because I feel God has called me to instruct in some way; to lead people. How am I supposed to have that calling on my life, but then be contradicted by it in 1 Timothy?! Geez, Paul.

I should add that the word 'man' that is used in these verses to contrast 'woman,' is not the exact opposite in Hebrew. The word geber is used, referring to the nature of a man, his strength and masculinity. It is based on the word gabar, meaning 'to be mighty.'

I'm in a period of singleness. I'm not sure how long this will last, and I'm coming to terms with the idea of it being forever. That's ok with me. My question is this - can a woman lead, on her own (with God of course, but) without a man? These verses in Jeremiah suggest that a woman is only these things in correlation with a dude.

By the way, a new verb - to renew, to rebuild, the replace - hadash is used often in these passages. Remember Esther's original Hebrew name? Hadassah. Similar, yes? She replaced the old queen Vashti, and was the bridge to rebuild Israel.

I realize this post is all over the place. Forgive me. Sometimes I have so much that my mind wants to process, but it feels overloaded. The best way for me to digest it is to talk about it. Or, in this case, write long rambling paragraphs that have no structure. Oh, happy day.

Back to work tomorrow

This has been an exquisite weekend. Jinju is always a highlight for me in Korea - - I just hope I don't wear out my welcome ;-)

Upon waking, I will have to begin the busiest day of the week. A full day of classes, plus tutoring immediately after work, and then a quick run after that. When will I have dinner? What an excellent question. Thankfully, after this week, Tuesdays will look a little different. MJ owes me one for taking his tutoring student while he's living it up in America. Who goes home for their cousin's wedding? Mine got married last week and nobody let me go home.

Five more months. I've made it to the other side of the hill. From here on out it will be (somewhat) downhill. With all my weekends booked as they are, I know that October will fly by. Ohhhhh man. SO, since time here is running out, I've begun my search for employment after my contract ends. Here's to hoping I'm going down the right path...

Lantern Festival - what didn't make the facebook album cut

 Outside my apartment one evening.

 Witch's brunch hideaway

 I'm sad to say this, but it sure beats Waffle House waffles.

 Admiring the lantern tunnel

 Random rides along the river

...because we're hipster...

Ps. 37:4

Currently reading a book called Radical. It was recommended to me by a Bible study leader a couple of years ago, and I've finally gotten around to it. In all honesty, I knew that I should have read it earlier, but I had this feeling that it would challenge me in a way that I wouldn't like. And who was so right about that? Yeah. Me.

The book begins by representing and later harping on the verses concerning "making disciples of all the nations," and "giving away your possessions and earthly wealth in order to more fully serve Christ" etc, etc, ET CETERA. I've always found this disheartening. I was never much for "missions" or living frugally. I don't want to live in another country for the rest of my life, struggling with a language that's not my own, living with the bare minimum. I want to be comfortable, lazy, fat, and happy. Are you getting a taste of how selfish my heart is? Basically, I don't want to give up control.

I tend to think that evangelizing offends people more than it brings them to Christ. Short-term mission trips are about checking a box each year and then returning to our plush, suburban lives.And long-term missions? They're just crazy.

I have a very good friend who has been a reminder that I need to be about the world, about other people, and not so obsessed with seeking comfort. She has never come out and said, "Geez, Leigh Margaret, you're being super selfish, never having gone on any missions trips, never wanting to leave the country," - because at one time that was true - I didn't want to leave the U.S. I was shockingly small-minded and I didn't think much of it. But back to my friend - all she did was live her life and share with me how awesome it was to take a missions trip to Honduras and realize that life is bigger than the U.S. She changed her intended major, her university and whole outlook on life. She returned home from her mission trip an altered young woman - in a very good way.

For a while, I was selfish and just wanted my friend to go back to the original plan. We were going to share an apartment, continue to be face-to-face friends, instead of dealing with a long-distance friendship. Friend, since you might read this, please don't be offended or conversely, feel guilty. This is simply my self-centered soul peeking through. I knew what I wanted and, of course, thought it was best.

Since then, you've graduated, gotten married, and are now living outside the States. I can see God using you, shaping you and bringing you into a new season of blessing. You have been faithful in your walk and now you will reap joy where you sowed tears.

Those few years ago, I watched you turn around in just a matter of weeks and be radically changed for God. I saw what was happening. I was happy that you could so readily give up (or rather, put on hold) your other pursuits. I just wasn't ready to follow your example. I decided to run away from that calling. I didn't want to be totally sold out to God because I was afraid that his plans weren't as cool as my own. What if he wanted me to live outside of my home country? What if, everyday, I was challenged physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...to the point of exhaustion? No, of course I ran away. I like comfort, remember? Now, looking back, I can see how very un-cool my original ideas for happiness were. My life would have been pathetic, at best.

Now, friend, I want to give it up. I don't want to control my life because in retrospect I've always run aground when I'm the one steering. Nothing goes as smoothly as when God is making my decisions. I'm still a little afraid of the abandon. I'm not sure which direction my life should take, or "what I want to be when I grow up." Does anybody? Furthermore, do I have to pick just one thing? How about going where God says I should go? That's a nice profession. Not a comfy one, but pretty radical.

Salsa in Korea

Who knew that there would be an excellent Salsa club downtown in Gwangju?? I had a wonderful evening :-) I've only been Salsa dancing once - with a guy that had no clue what he was doing. I tend to not dance with guys that take me to these functions. I know, I'm a bad date.

I would love to take some lessons but with training for the 1/2, I'm not sure that I have the extra time. After running 7 miles today and then dancing for two hours straight, I'm depleted.

I am thrilled beyond belief that those years of swing dancing socials in high school have paid off. I mostly have no clue what I'm doing, but since I know how to follow the guy - - - - life is easier.

Surely you desire truth in my inner parts; you teach me wisdom in my inmost place. - Psalms 51:6

What do you do

When you're homesick for a certain time of year in your home state? And have no earthly way to get there? I have no idea.

There's always next time

I thought I ran a 7-miler today, but after double-checking, I found it was only 6. Slightly disappointed. I was in a hurry this evening anyway, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself. The cool thing is, I have three more weeks to train than I originally thought. Nine weeks until race day!! I'm feeling pretty good about the training :-)

of refinement and lighthouses

Silver and light. Pure, raw white. I know you're whispering but I can't make it out. What do you want to say to me, God...?

Thanksgiving in Jinju

Stephen (of Stephen and Danielle) was playing with my camera and took this artsy-fartsy shot. 

Talking in the living room.

The many bikes outside of KatieMichael's apartment/dorm building.

Yeah. They're some of my best friends. And they look like movie stars...

...RIGHT???!!!

Because I like taking window pictures.

Hipster feet.

A man from Tanzania who gave a presentation about his country. This was some cultural-party-thing for the international students of Gyeongseung National University. I just butchered that spelling :-/

I had never been in a room with so many different cultures! The countries represented were: Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, England, Vietnam, Philippines, Japan, Canada, China, South Korea, Malaysia, Cameroon, Tanzania, The US...I'm sure there were more, but my memory is failing. It was super exciting. And then I was hungry and  hunger makes me very uninterested in whatever is going on at the moment.

Silver

Do you ever put off time with God because you're afraid of where he will lead you? Afraid of what he will reveal? Afraid of how much it will hurt when he challenges and changes you? I'm fearful of seeing myself refined - of how much dross will appear after the fire. So I run away. And pretend that God doesn't have anything to say because I "can't hear him."

Jinju for Chuseok

Here again, with my lovely friends, Katie and Michael. I'm really enjoying having people from home so close. It's like having family to hang out with - and family just happens to be some of my favorite people :-)

Recently, God told me "wait," but I wasn't sure what for. I'm not a patient person, so this is like telling me not to blink for 5 minutes = super uncomfortable. I've been getting antsy with about 5ish months left in my contract, because I'd like to know what my next step is. So, in church today, Pastor Jeremy spoke of Joshua, and how Israel's new leader would take them to the Promised Land. This only happened after Moses was gone, when that part of the Israelite's season of history had ended. This could have left Joshua feeling lost and confused, his mentor having passed away. But this is exactly what Joshua needed in order to step up and become the leader that God designed him to be.

I've always thought that my life paralleled those fickle people of God. I've been in situations that were similar to the bondage in Egypt, then being free from slavery but still looking back on it and longing for what used to be - and right now is my "desert" time. The 40-years-in-the-desert time. The cool thing is, God still allows things to thrive in a barren wasteland, and gives strength to those that rest. A desert doesn't have to zap all the life out of you - it can actually instill life and revive you.

The next step: God would have me plan. He would have me put some solidity to my future, go to him in prayer and then step out in faith. When the Israelite's were going to the Promised Land, they had to cross the Jordan River. There was so much flooding that fording it was impossible. God instructed that the Levites (the priests) go out into the river, carrying the ark of the covenant, and with that, the river would stop flowing. It did, and the ground was dry enough for all the Israelites to pass through to the other side. It was only after the Levites took that step of faith into the water that anything happened. They could have waited and worried on the banks, thinking that it was impossible to cross the waters. All that was needed was to step out, because faith is an action.

What in your past is hindering you from our future? Let it go. Forgive the old hurt. I say this in an effort to reinforce it within myself. I'm holding onto scars that closed up long ago because I think that remembering them will prevent it from happening again. This doesn't do a darn thing. I cannot be bitter. I will not be bitter. No tainted water.

God wants to give you so much more than you could ever imagine. This is a new season. That means that old friendships may fade away and leave you a little empty feeling. Keeping walking. God is going to rain down blessings like you could never imagine. Sometimes you get rid of something taking up space to make room for the new and improved version. It's going to be awe-inspiring. You want to move forward? Pick up your feet.

Chuseok

Chuseok is the Korean equivalent to an American Thanksgiving...except there are no turkeys, cranberries or big black hats with brass buckles. The children at my school dressed in tradition Hanboks, the traditional Korean dress. It literally means "Korean Clothing" - these garments are beautiful! As a costumer, I was drooling over the colors and layers.

 Max, demonstrating how to make Song Pyeon, a sweet Korean treat.

Candy. She was breathtakingly regal in her dress. I know that sounds strange to say about a 6-year-old, but she had this crown hair piece and was holding her head high on her long neck. Seriously, she's going to be a supermodel someday.

6 of 11 

 Jadey. Beautiful little girl.

Making Song Pyeon 

Christina and Izzy. They wanted a "twin" picture because their Hanboks were so similar. Or "same-same," as the phrase goes. 

David and Vincent. Both are camera-hogs. 

 Max and Alex. They masquerade as gremlins but are actually incredibly intelligent.

Too many pictures hahaa 

Vin didn't mind having his picture taken. His hand wasn't in protest, but simply because he wanted me to take a picture of it. 

The Crew! I can't believe this is 11. They seem like more when they're running around, full of energy and mischief. After helping them change out of their Hanboks and into regular clothes, I felt like I had completed a marathon! I understand how moms feel now, when they have 3+ kids to get ready in the mornings.

The most randomly pieced together post

I've been feeling some guilt from the past couple of years. I wish I could pour out my heart, but part of me feels inhibited. I'm going to do the best I can to relate what I'm thinking: I had a run in with God tonight while I was playing and singing, and was totally blown away by these words:

And when before the throne 

I stand in Him complete, 

I'll lay my trophies down, 

All down at Jesus' feet.

I'm not even sure where to begin explaining how this hit me. The other day I tried explaining to my students that we will live forever. We will never go out. Our souls will leave our bodies, but if we love Jesus we're going to live eternally. Forever is a long time. I can't even comprehend it! Then, standing before the throne of GOD. I mean, WHAT. I'm going to see him. He's going to be that much more real and I will be a mess. A quaking, undeserving mess. I have failed so many times. I wish I could be perfect and stainless. I used to think I was, but that's not true at all. When I was "pure" my sins weren't of the kind that were obviously worldly. Now they are. Then more of the lyrics resonated within me:

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.

Right there. I'm new again. I can forget the old ways, I can walk out of Egypt with my head held high, knowing that I am his chosen daughter.

God doesn't want us to be slaves to our past. He wants to turn our bondage into a bridge that will help us connect with others. He wants to use imperfect Leigh Margaret to bless people. I'm not worthy.

a little motivation for your daily grind

I went for a run tonight and was surprised that I was able to go for an hour! For those of you that have been witness to my love/hate relationship with running, you'll understand that this is a major breakthrough. I am, by no means, a long-distance athlete. I prefer the quick and easy way to stay fit. I get bored and often move on to something else. So a. there's no commitment and b. there's no motivation. I'm a lazy, lazy bum.

HOWEVER, I told Katie and Michael (my married friends that are moving to Korea in two weeks - you can find them at: http://wafflesnkimchi.blogspot.com/) - - that I would train for a half-marathon with them. I'm so excited to have something to do in my spare time that is working towards a goal, making me happier (hellllooooooo endorphins!) and forcing me to see more of my city. Again, I get so lazy that after work I just want to veg.

What I want to say to all of you - - if you're becoming bored with the monotony of your schedule, get out and find a type of exercise that you like. I've got some coworkers that have tried hot yoga (where you sweat your rear off because the room is about 100 degrees) and swimming. Anything to get your body moving! You'll only continue doing it if you like it. And please don't put restrictions on yourself. A year ago I couldn't run for five minutes without getting winded. I thought 'no way can I run for a half hour!!' It seemed so far away and here I am, jogging away for longer than that! I will say that I probably look like I'm about to keel over with my style of running. It's reminiscent of a 5-year-old doing an egg-beater with their legs and someone that's woozy from over-exertion. But back to motivating YOU: You can do it and it will give you a happy-high. Also, it's a good idea to talk to Jesus because he keeps the joy grounded.

Cheers!

Sometimes God is creepy...

...in a good way. I'm just constantly amazed at how he not only takes care of me, but cares for my desires too. I suppose he should since he gave them to me ^_^ I was listening to a song recently ("The Cure for Pain" by Switchfoot's lead singer, Jon Foreman) and I knew that I needed to sing it in church. However, I didn't want to march up to the worship leader and say, "Hey there, Mr. Jay, wouldja mind if I sang this for y'all??" Eesh. Nightmarish to act that way. So I prayed that God would give me the opportunity if he wanted me to do it - - and the assistant pastor emailed me and asked me to share a song - any song I would like, but that it would have Christian connotations, preferably.

:-)