The 5th Week of May

Officially (almost) through May!! I can't believe that so much time has passed. Today was "Big Test" at school for the afternoon classes, so I'm still digesting two rounds of "Cole Pop" and fried chicken. Cole Pop, for those Americans that are as unaware as I was, is this ingenious little thing that includes a cup of "Cola" with a smaller cup of chicken sitting above it, a straw for the drink, and a toothpick for the bite-size pieces of chicken. Usually it's spicy, so the drink (either soda or orange juice) is perfect. Good thinking, South Korea!

I'm about to go to my neighbor/coworker/friend's apartment for dinner. It's a thank you to all of us that visited her in the hospital recently. Pneumonia isn't fun, yo, especially in a foreign country. Poor thing. She's better now.

I'm getting antsy to rearrange my room. I am determined to clean it, bow to stern, and start afresh. I like mixing it up - you know me. Changing the furniture is my idea of a wild Friday night.

In other news, I'm about to embark on P90X. I downloaded all the videos, just purchased a resistance band and am ready to annihilate my poor muscles. Here we go!

GPOY I Still Look Decent After a Terribly Taxing Day at Work Edition. I think it's the poor quality of my webcam ;-) Cheers.

the real gossip girl

I had a word slip-up last summer that landed me in an uncomfortable situation. I tried to make light of an upsetting event for a friend and ended up hurting someone else's feelings. I went to this someone else (his ex-girlfriend) and apologized. I did my best to be sincere but my efforts were not well-received. In return, I was written - at the time, what I thought - was the most vehement, poisonous reply. This girl let me have it and threw my Christianity in my face. I was humbled, humiliated and ashamed. Since then, I've had a slow recovery from the disease of gossiping and her words would often echo in my head:


"You always struck me as the person who would say "This isn't right. We shouldn't be talking about people like this." Then I see that you were the one saying the worst things. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like one are two different things, Leigh Margaret."

She went on to say that I was beautiful and would always be more beautiful than her. That she hoped X and I ended up together because "God knows you deserve each other." About seven paragraphs of biting rebuke was enough to keep my ears burning for a long time.

I stumbled across that same reply this evening and reread it. Between her last reply (last summer) and now, I had written her again to demonstrate how truly sorry I was. To let her know that her words had some affect and that I wanted to try one last time for forgiveness. I never heard back from her, but I was able to be released with the knowledge that if I couldn't feel freed from her anger, that God would forgive me. Rereading her words, and not reacting with any emotion, (being so far removed from that time) gave me new eyes for this girl. The anger and resentment that I had detected before turned into sadness, and someone crying out desperately for approval. Not to me - but to anyone that would listen. She refuted every point that I made fun of her about; I suppose I should be annoyed with how defensive she was, because my words, for the most part, were meant as a joke. Now, I see that she was simply stating truth - how she has insecurities just like everyone else. That I shouldn't be one to tear down. I have such a life that I have progressed farther than my peers. I should be building and encouraging those that need the affirmation. That need the extra help.

Maybe this is too personal. It shows you a side of me that perhaps you didn't know. And it has nothing to do with living in South Korea. But it is my blog, and my life. I would rather be real and vulnerable to demonstrate that I am not perfect, than pretend like I have it all together. God is continually showing me my faults and is cutting off my forked tongue a little bit at a time.

Oh, my heart needs to be changed. I have some bitterness that needs to go away. Forgiveness that needs to happen. I know this is vague, but if you think of it, please pray for me.

Aside from that, I'm finding that my heart is very full. I often cry over the smallest thing (and it's not always tears of sadness.) Most of the time, I well up from the sheer magnitude of God's grace, of his creation, of how much he loves us. I just can't get away from it. I love it and I'm so blessed to be allowed a part in his bigger plan.

Ezekiel 11:19 speaks these words that I believe have been giving my heart a root canal: "I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give a heart of flesh."

I am so proud that I am strong. I'm strong physically and, for the most part, strong in my will and constitution. I've been run over in friendships and boys, and I created this tough exterior to ward off future offenses. A while ago, my mother confronted me and said, "Why are you acting so tough? You're not a hard person - you're tender and gentle. Stop trying to act like you've got everything together." I'm not sure if these were her exact words, but you get the idea. This struck me: am I really a tender person? Am I soft and compassionate? Do I want to be soft and essentially "weak"? No. Weakness is not fun. Weakness is stupid.

But in my weakness, God can show his strength; he can help me shed my skin of pride and shine through to others that need encouragement, mercy and compassion. In fact, I am not that strong. My stony exterior can be shattered as easily as a hammer shatters glass. I am nothing special, nothing stronger than the average person. I need to daily give up this pride, the true weakness, so that God can be my strength when I'm hurting.

Eesh.

However, my problems are small. I don't think I will write another angsty post for a while. They annoy me.

And now, a recent GPOY of a section of Gwangju, as seen from Sajik Park in the middle of town. This is my sanctuary - so green and lush and I can pretend like I'm not in a city at all. I never thought I would be this taken with nature, but I've found the absence of something makes you love it even more.

I have been complacent

But it's not entirely my fault! I didn't have ample access to internet for two weeks. I felt that God would have me take a break from my laptop for a week, and although I was reluctant, I was obedient. A friend mentioned that God isn't legalistic and so I should be alright checking my only form of communication every morning at work. (I have yet to get a phone. In fact, I think I'll keep it that way - but that's another monologue.) About the 5th day into my fast, I was thinking that maybe God would be satisfied that I finished the "work week" and not the full seven days. When I went to turn on my internet, I found it had been disconnected. Awesome. But really, I didn't realize until later that by going without internet before I had to, God was preparing me for the withdrawals I would have when I couldn't communicate from my apartment. On Thursday last I broke the week-and-a-half fast.

I don't have much else to say. Life is still plodding along. I am much more comfortable. It usually takes a short while for me to acclimate to a place, but this time has been the longest - most likely because I still cannot read the street signs. Ah well.

I'm excited to see my children this morning. I get to where I'm missing them come Sunday morning. Too bad real life parenting isn't like this - I keep them for half the day, drop them off on the weekends and pick them back up on Monday. However, it is a nice prep-course in case I am blessed with children some day.