this next year

This lovely girl:

http://chaispice.tumblr.com/

is truly anointed by God. I "follow" her on this site, tumblr.com, and she'll post the most radical, moving things. I recently read that I shouldn't praise the messenger, so I will try not to. God uses her in poignant, quiet ways. I say quiet, because this is all via the internet, with no facial or vocal expressions; just black words on a white screen. And yet, God knocks the wind out of me each time I see it.

I was reading through the "likes" stored on my account and this popped up:

>>I am Jesus, the One that you're not leaning on

I was the  One who brought you out of brokenness and depression in the first place. Will you not trust that I will keep carrying you? I care for you. I have everything you need. You won’t be put to shame; I won’t let that happen. Cling to Me. I know it’s going to be hard work - but I will equip you and bring strength to your bones. When you turn to Me, I will sustain you and you will commune with Me in such a way that people can’t help but see Me when they look at you. I won’t put you to shame. The next year will be hard - that’s why you must keep coming to Me, for My burden is light and My yoke is easy. The next few weeks will be difficult, but you must remember that it is I who will fight for you. And the next year is to be My year, not yours. I love you. Remember that I am a rewarder of those who seek Me with all they have.

Trust Me, beloved.

I am Jesus, the One you will come up out of the wilderness leaning on.<<

Powerful, yes? God can speak directly through people. I need to hear this. I need to hear God's voice as if he's talking only to me. Being a "Words of Affirmation" love-language girl, for someone to speak life into me means more than anything. Well, that, and if someone were to give me all their precious time. Those two things, to me, mean love.

"This next year will be hard..." And I thought this last year was difficult! Now that I'm almost on the other side, I look back and can see how it has all been used for good. This next year is frightening to me. My mom accused me of being scared. At first I denied it, and then I realized she was right. I feel more frightened than I did a year ago, preparing to come to Korea. I know Korea now, and I know the States. I know which one feels safer financially and comes with less stress. It's kind of a no-brainer.

I've recently had the most difficult time trusting that God has a plan for me. I mean, yeah, I know he does. But when I see something that I think I want, what I think might be best for me, I've always just gone for it. I'm an impulsive person and am not ashamed of being brash. However, I don't want to steer anymore. I just want to hand it all over and let God decide where I go and what I should do. Everything I tried to orchestrate in the past turned into a nasty mess, and caused unnecessary grief.

It's one thing to say all of this - and it's quite another to really, really trust God. I mean, with that being said, I could end up anywhere. Anywhere. Am I really ready to be anywhere for God? Maybe if he could give me a hint of where "anywhere" could be...? ;-)

Korean-style Thanksgiving

I haven't any pictures of last night's feast, but I can say that it was a success. So many people were crammed into a friend's apartment (which in the end, didn't feel too cramped because she has a living room, a kitchen and two bedrooms) and everyone brought some kind of food to share. I made stuffing - because no Thanksgiving meal is complete without it - and deviled eggs. And I was so proud! My mom gave me the recipe for the stuffing, which incidentally isn't rocket science, so I think it turned out alright. It was strange being away from my family for this holiday, and I know that Christmas will be weirder x23430958986. It's ok though. God is constant throughout.

This morning I'll go back to church - I've not been in three weeks, yikes! I've been traveling to Jinju a lot to visit my friends, KatieMichael. They are wonderful and every spare weekend I've had, I've wanted to see them. Now, I can feel the deadline for leaving Korea creeping closer and I'm wanted to enjoy every minute of my own city. Honestly, I don't want to leave. I feel like I'm not done here. There are still things to do and ways for me to grow. I know in the beginning I was saying things like, "I can't imagine wanting to stay here longer than a year...!" The idea of staying for my whole contract period was daunting. Of course those words would come back to bite me; and here I am! Finally feeling comfortable, finally able to communicate with Korea on a basic, basic, basic, level, finally feeling that I have a purpose. After these three months are gone, I know I'll experience re-entry shock, and feelings of being useless. God, I want to be used! I've been trying to pray for specific direction. As it is, I feel like I'm being tossed in the wind. I have ideas of what I could be doing for God, but I don't know how to go about putting those into action. Specificity. That's what I want. And discernment and wisdom. Please, God, please. I don't want to leave Korea without a clear direction.

It's been almost two months

since I injured my hip training for the 1/2. I think I will try and run tonight. laskdjfldjfkjdlfjkdjfsasaalkkkkk.

Longings: Part II

Why is it that I had such a difficult time adjusting to Korea, only to find that now, the idea of leaving sends me into a funk? I still have three months left here and I'm treating it like it's my last week! Gahhhh, I need to snap out of it. Life moves on. That's ok. I can't dwell in the past, or try and stay somewhere comfortable and fun forever. That's not how things work. Ohhhh man. I wish, I wish, I wish.

Open-Mics?

I'm finding that the weekends are so delightful. I sleep in, wherever I go (and by sleeping in, I mean until 9 am,) and have the whole two days to spend them however I choose. It's so nice to not be required to be here or there and get paid for it. All that to say, I find myself once again in Jinju (thanks KatieMichael!), relaxing on a hazy morning, catching up with myself. Throughout the week, I go so quickly during the day - everything is about teaching, prepping classwork, rushing to school, then rushing home to get in some free time, only to sleep and be at school again early the next day. So. Worn. Out. Yes, weekends are glorious.

I've been inspired recently to play/sing/write again. It's so nice, not having the obligation of NaNoWriMo, and I resurrected some songs that I wrote years ago. Since the weather is getting cooler, and I'll find myself indoors most of the time, and I would like to spend it playing music - - but I would like to play somewhere, rather than just in my room. So, foreigners in Gwangju, please comment and let me know where (in the downtown/Juweol-dong/Bongseon-dong neighborhoods) I could play. Thank you :-)

Project NaNo: Aborted

I was participating in the National Novel Writing challenge for this month and was well on my way with 20,000. Was. Oops - I guess I've said 'yes' to too many things and found that what little free time I had was being spent on that, and it wasn't even that much fun for me. Shouldn't free time be fun, and not a chore? So I quit. In that respect, I feel like a schmuck. Normally, I finish whatever I've started (save for that one time I was an RA and I had a coordinator from the underworld. I really couldn't stick that out for mental health reasons.) Moving along, I was undertaking this writing challenge with a couple of friends - we were holding each other accountable, motivating each other. But I quit. Phooey. Sorry, Michael, Mark Twain, and even Mike Combs. I had every intention of completing 50,000 words, but life got in the way, and I chose to play guitar instead. My advice to anyone doing the challenge: don't slack off, even for a day. It comes back to bite you - especially if you're not a seasoned, dedicated writer in the first place.

I am quite blue this week. It's difficult to put my finger on a specific thing. I guess because I have many things that are weighing heavy on my heart, things that I'm not at liberty to discuss online. Anyways, this week feels unusual. I've not been in 'the dumps' in a while and it feels so strange. I know that God is in control of everything and he cares for me, cares about every aspect of my life. Matthew 6:30-34 was a good reminder. But it's one thing to read it, and another to really believe it and take it to heart. I'm already checking out, having to leave in a little over three months and I feel detached from everything.

BLEAAHHhhhhhhhhhh.......

Oh, that's right

I feel everything too deeply, and I'm also afraid of having feelings. The end.

October + November

The Friends Came to Gwangju!

This has been a most eventful weekend :-) Yesterday was so filled to the brim that it felt like two days in one. I'm not even sure what to write about - - let's see....

This last week was my birthday and next week is Katie's. We're four days apart and so I'm happy they wanted to come up and spend the birthday celebration weekend with me. We went on a birthday shopping spree, hitting all my favorite shops downtown, eating sushi for lunch, Starbucks for an afternoon snack, and dinner at my favorite, but always acid-relfux inducing First Nepal. It was an excellent time.

My writing on the computer has consisted mostly of getting in 1,600 words a day for this National Novel Writing challenge for November. I'm thoroughly sick of it. I'm only at 20,000 today, and I still need to write 1,000 more if I am to finish by the end of the month. I chose a story, really my only idea - but now I'm finding the middle-of-the-month slump. My goodness, I hate it. I wish I could begin again. No matter. I just don't feel like updating much since I've had to exercise my fingers and brain with a different project.

I do feel bad about not updating. I
began this blog with gusto and now I've trailed off so that I'm not even writing anything of interest. AND there are no pictures!!! Being partly a visual learner, I need pictures to hold my interest. So here's one to tide you all over :-)

deep calls to deep

Oh, I've been so remiss in posting. I wish that I could be more motivated to share my thoughts and ideas this month. I feel like I've been cheating this blog out of some juicy details.

Ok, so nothing spectacular has been going on. October flew past. It's kind of shocking how quickly it went. Now I have month-whiplash. November kicked off with a Halloween day at LCI, complete with a haunted house and no classes (that was a nice reprieve,) and National Novel Writing Month, or whatever it's called. I don't consider myself a writer in the least, or I never thought I was because no one said I could. I mean, yeah, I can write. I've written songs. And some random ridiculous poems. I guess. I got through university with A's in English composition classes. And my students think I'm a good story-teller. My grammar and sentence structure on this blog is atrocious, so don't judge by what you read here! This is where I'm allowed to let it hang loose.

So I thought, "Why the heck not?" and dove into November 1st with 2,000+ words. The goal is to finish 50,000 words or more by the end of the month. We'll see if I have the endurance. I very much doubt that I'll want to write even more on this blog, with having to crank out 1,500 a day for the novel challenge. Or maybe, writing is like an appetite: the more you feed yourself, the more you want to eat, and your metabolism picks up speed and takes over...?

My birthday is in a week. I will be 23. I don't even know what age I feel anymore. At times I think that I'm still 16 and what am I doing in Korea living by myself, out from under the constant care of my parents? Other times I feel about 86 and what's the point of this life? I don't mean that in a morbid way. Just contemplating life and deciding what am I going to devote it to. It's so short and shouldn't be wasted.