Torn

My house is a mess and I'm listening to an "Indie Folk" playlist. I'm taking advantage of my free time and getting rid of some stuff before the plunge of these next two months. I think something hit me last night because I was so overcome with sorrow. Wow, that sounds dramatic - but realizing that I have 10 weeks left in this place, where I've had a wonderfully strange year and grown in so many ways, where I might never come back, and that soon I have to say Goodbye to my glorious 6-year-old students...

I feel like my heart is undergoing a de-junking as well. Not sure if I can explain any more than that. I just feel a little ripped apart.

Recovery

Day 5 of my vacation finds me in my humble apartment, fighting off bronchitis. Cool. Actually, I don't mind it so much. No, I'm not going someplace awesome like Thailand or Japan, or Malaysia, but I couldn't even if I was well, because I didn't budget for that.

I didn't realize it would be a bit lonely, how much I take work for granted, and just seeing people everyday. But this is the rest I needed. I've been going and going, barely stopping to eat right. At least I was eating. Now, I'm desperately trying to put weight back on because I look like an anorexic. I was nauseous near the beginning of this sickness and it took its toll. I hate being skinny. I have never felt more ugly.

I've been able to rest and I end up napping for a couple of hours during the day. I try not to, so I can get to bed at a decent time, but when the afternoon rolls around, fighting off sleep is tough, especially with such a comfy bed...

Yesterday, I went to the GFN radio station and did a tag interview - some fun thing that the station does for foreigners. I was asked a bunch of questions about myself and was allowed to talk to my heart's content. At first I got a little flustered with the glaring "On Air" sign, the headphones on, and the microphone in my face, so when I listen to it tonight I'm sure I'll cringe at the obvious brain farting - but I soon settled into it. I had so much fun! Sometimes it's good to just talk. For someone to ask questions and to feel no qualms about hogging the whole conversation. Most of the time I feel a bit guilty if I've talked all about myself (I mean, duh, I'm not going to feel guilty about this because it's my blog,) but with the interview, I was expected to. Since it's a "tag interview" that means that one week I'm the interviewee and the next week I choose someone to interview. My friend, Rachel, agreed to do it, but she doesn't have a phone so it's a waiting game with facebook to see what time she's available...

The Christmas Eve Post

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a terrible fever, a nasty, deep cough, dizziness, and a runny nose. I had had a headache the night before, but this sickness came as a surprise. I suppose when I make my body do so much, it eventually quits, especially if a break is drawing near. This was the day before Christmas break was to begin. I called my boss in tears, partly because I was feeling like poop, and partly because I hate disappointing someone. She suggested I go to the doctor and then come into work at 1:30 for the Christmas pictures that were to be taken with the students and "Santa." I was sleeping most of the morning and so didn't make it to the hospital (by the way, when a person is sick, the only option for healthcare is a hospital, rather than a doctor's office. This doesn't always mean the person is so sick that they need an emergency room. This is just how it is in Korea.)

I went into work at 1:30 like I promised, feeling a little better after taking some tylenol, to bring down my fever. My boss had offered for me to go home again after 2:30 if I was still feeling low. I did the dumb thing and stuck it out. We were giving the Big Test for the month and I figured I could just sit down and wait it out. I left at 6:00 to catch my 7:10 bus to Jinju. This whole time I had a fever that was in and out. Walking down the street in the cold, with three heavy bags, feeling dizzy - man, it was rough.

I arrived at KatieMichael's and they were so sweet to immediately offer me tea and my bed. I mean, wow, so hospitable. They scoured their apartment for some nyquil, which I took and then drifted off to sleep. I woke up at 5:00, 6:30, and 7:00 and watched Tangled as I was dozing. Side note, I love that movie. I was feeling nauseous, still hacking, and feverish. I decided to give in and go to the hospital. I was hesitant to go because I didn't want it to cost as much as the time I went upon arriving in Korea. I told KatieMichael when they woke up that I would be going to the hospital. They insisted on going with me - which, of course, I wouldn't say no to. I hate hospitals. I hate that they prick me with needles and bruise my tender inner arm. Yuck. So much discomfort.

We took a taxi to a hospital Michael knew. After wandering around for a while, we were directed towards the information desk. The doctor came out and assessed my situation. He then informed us that this was a "3rd Degree" hospital and would be doing lab work, meaning they would charge a lot of money. I had been praying that I wouldn't have to spend so much money, so this was a blessing that he mentioned this. We got in another taxi and went to a different hospital, that supposedly was much cheaper.

Unfortunately, not much English was spoken by the receptionist. A doctor who could speak and understand me, translated a little but he left as promptly as he had come. Then, out of nowhere, was this wonderful girl, speaking English fluently. She looked over my shoulder and was making suggestions as I was filling out my paperwork. She then took it upon herself to guide me through the rest of my visit, dragging me around the hospital, to the different stations, to speak to the doctor, get an x-ray done, and do some blood work. She was there with her American friend who had some kidney stone trouble. She was such a God-send! I found out her name later - Suji (pronounced Suzy.) She was being my mom when I needed one! She kept feeling my head for a fever, rubbing my back, talking to me. Oh my goodness. I know the visit would have been hellish had she not been there. Thank you, Suji!

We went back to KatieMichael's and I skyped my family. They were all together, and I wanted to cry. I love my family too much for words. They were all sitting there, watching me, (I was pretty drowsy,) but they were having a good time, making jokes and holding the cats up to the screen to say Hello. Oh, family. I'm so sorry that I can't be there for Christmas. You are all loved so much. I'll be home soon.

P.S. Ashley, I listened to the song "Santa Will Find You" again and cried T_T I don't know why I do that to myself.

Here are a few pics from the day. I've decided to play around with my camera and settings since I'm confided to be indoors, and this room. I don't want to infect KatieMichael.

 Post-hospital visit. This was after a few hours of sleeping this afternoon. Strugggllle.

 The wonderful guest room that KatieMichael allow me to take over whenever I come visit. This room and I will become very well acquainted during my stay here.

 The stash ^_^ There's a bag for each of us.

 Their tree.

 The meds, to be taken three times a day for about a week. Yay, medicine. (In case you can't detect the sarcasm, I actually hate it.)

 A. I'm crazy and keep a million tabs up all at once. Don't judge. B. What's Christmas without a little Charlie Brown? Only the best.

Christmas is in four days?!

I just realized that everyone back in the States is busy Nut-crackin' it up and I'm just breezing through December. I've been teaching and busy with other projects after work, that I've barely sat down and soaked in the holiday spirit. There aren't many places here that make a person feel like it's really Christmas - not like in the States. Starbucks does that. That's about it.

All of my family members have gifts being sent to them (thank you, Online Shopping, you make living in a country separate from my family much easier during the holidays), and KatieMichael, with whom I will spend Christmas, also have their gifts wrapped. I do need a few more trinkets for them though...

But, is it really Christmas? I feel so blank about it. Rather, I feel less "Christmas-y." I am really able to focus on the reason for this holiday. Jesus is what it's about, y'all. Every other Christmas before this has been wrought with cookies, presents, wrappings, trees, bows, lights, Christmas movies, decorations, and all the hullabaloo that surrounds December. I've decided I will watch one of my favorite Christmas movies on Christmas Eve or Day. I don't want to be too nostalgic about it all. After all, I don't know if I'll have another international Christmas celebration. The rest of my life, it might be spent in the States, so I need to enjoy being in the moment. But back to the movie: "It's a Wonderful Life" cannot be missed. I already saw "The Polar Express" and "A Charlie Brown Christmas."

It feels so different here. It's ok though. I know that my family loves me and I'll see them soon. I already did my crying over missing the holiday with them last year. See what I did there? Got all those tears out early.

God has been exposing some interesting things these past couple of days. I'm not ready to share it with anyone - or rather, I want to, but I know that I need to prayerful about it first. But know that my silence doesn't mean zero productivity...it never does ;-)

So far, this week, I:

- Shuffled my last with the wonderful children of MDream.
- Sang some Christmas songs in church; they were of course familiar to me, but some of the songs, my fellow church members had only sung in Korean before. It was very endearing.
- Made my lesson plan for the first week of January (i.e. time is flying)
- Did a Korean/English swap at Starbucks with a co-teacher ^_^
- Cancelled my gym membership and was able to get most of my money back.
- Was inspired to exercise, but do it more cost efficiently = running in the snow at 7am in conjunction with the aforementioned gym membership cancellation.
- Found out the next step God would have me take. I'm almost positive this blog will be littered with more thoughts on the subject. Until then....

I apologize for the many depressing posts. Looking back over them, I realize they are heavy. If you didn't know me, (face to face that is,) you might not know that I actually have happy moments in my life! And no matter how angst-ridden my blog is, I do have an underlying joy. I feel comfortable enough with my small audience (or if no one reads this, that would be just as well) to type out the inner-workings of my heart. Since I'm coming upon another transition in my life, I will warn you that there will be more rambling, whiny posts, crying out for direction. Unless direction comes sooner than I expect...

I had a lovely sick day yesterday. I really despise taking sick days, since it doesn't enter into Korea's vocabulary, and Korean people forge ahead, come fever or pneumonia. I happened to be flattened by a bad migraine. I woke up at 3 am, awakened by the pain pounding in my head, and was able to sleep again an hour later. Up again at 7, I decided the day was better spent in bed, rather than being angry at my poor, oblivious students. A headache-y Margy Teacher is not a good teacher.

Today, it was back to work. I found the day went considerably faster while I was working, than yesterday, when I was in and out of sleep. Funny how staying busy, or rather, having a purpose, makes life more enjoyable. This is what I'm most afraid of: going back to the States, where I will rest for the minimum of one month (it could be longer, depending on how exhausted I am from life.) I can foresee myself laying around the house all day, wishing for an occupation, something to give my life meaning. Some way to serve. I'm so frightened of being still. Maybe this is something I need to work on? Because God likes us to be still and ponder him.

I have nothing else to say.

Not Korea

"You are not being sent to a people of obscure speech and strange language, but to the people of Israel— not to many peoples of obscure speech and strange language, whose words you cannot understand." Ezekiel 3:5-6

This was what I read immediately after praying, "show me, show me....where am I supposed to be?"

I got my answer. And now I'm broken-hearted.

More praying needs to happen before this becomes concrete in my mind...but the initial idea, I hate.

Some disgruntled feelings healed

For this whole year I've been struggling with something in the Bible. I'm sure I've mentioned it in a previous post, but it's the one concerning women in leadership (in the church.) I feel that God has specifically called me to lead people. I'm not sure what this looks like, what I will be doing, or where. I do have this vision of brights lights in a dark auditorium, and that I'm speaking to a room full of women. Other than that, every stepping stone to that place is hidden from me.

I came across that greatly-disputed verse in 1 Timothy:

"I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

and the sister verse in 1 Corinthians:

"Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission*, as the Law says."

I'm sorry, God - I love your word...but yuck. I mean, really?? I'm not a silent kind of girl. I'm sure that as the years go by, God has mellowed my heart and tongue, but usually if something needs to be said, I'll say it! When I saw these verses earlier in the year, I was so disheartened. This was after I felt God's calling to lead people. How am I supposed to lead people if I'm supposed to be "silent"?

I talked with several trusted friends and even my pastor about this. None of them could give me a straight answer. Last night, I ran into the assistant pastor of the church I attend, Wolgwang English Ministry, and we fell upon this topic. He's in seminary now (or something to that equivalent, studying for his Master's - sorry that I can't remember the specifics! My poor memory bleahhhhhhhh) so he's often in the word, studying and  deciphering it. I really appreciate his insight. He told me this:

"Many people want to take this literally and use it for today's culture. What they fail to do, it realize that this was Paul speaking about a specific church for a certain time in history. [For the Corinthians' verse] this was for the church in Corinth. The women there were allowed to teach for a time, but because many of them were prone to talking too much, and their conversation was idle and gossipy, Paul decided to stop them from leading altogether. Sometimes women are better suited to a certain type of leadership. There are many women pastors that are blessed by God and obviously being used by him. The ideal type of leadership, would be the team of a man and a woman, each bringing their unique gifts and complementing each other."

This had to be the most concrete answer I've received on this subject. I met somebody this year who introduced himself, and almost in the same breath, he told me that women shouldn't go to seminary or lead in a church setting. Awesommmmeeeeee. Excellent choice for an introduction. I wasn't too crazy to hear that, especially since it was near the time that I discovered and really meditated on the two previous verses.

All this to say:

Mr. Man that said I couldn't go to seminary, and everybody else that wants to be sexist about God's plan for my life - God doesn't put limits on his children. He created me with specificity and for a purpose. I intend to be used to the fullest extent of my abilities. If that means leading, then I will do it. If that means serving (which is usually what leading means) then of course, I will serve. I want to be used and being a woman will not stop me. God has gifted me and will use me especially because I am a woman.

*Please note that the word "submission" is not a favorite of mine. This, however, is something I realize I should do, for God, for a possible future spouse (if God chooses to bless me with one) etc. It's true, I'm not good at submitting. This is most likely obvious to anyone who stumbles across my ramblings. It's a daily struggle, giving up my "I can do it myself" attitude, but it is something that must be done. This is a work in progress. I'm not done yet.

As a Christian tattooed lady...

I definitely appreciate what this article has to say about about tattooing in correlation to the Bible.

http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/f/tattoochristian.htm

Just thought I'd share ^^

keeping

I've been frustrated with God's silence. I'm still learning how to listen and open my ears. This is difficult, when I'm prone to think I'm the only one with things to say.

Since I left my Bible at church last week, I've been using my computer more for looking up verses. This is good and bad: good because I can read more scripture, faster, and it's easier to find cross-references for verses. Bad, because I'm distracted by the little white "f" in a blue box beckoning from my taskbar. Ohhhhhhh facebook, how you entice. I was sitting in front of my computer this morning, fuming at God, because of his tight lip, when this verse came to mind: Deuteronomy 7:9. It wasn't just the words that struck me - this verse came with its own tune! It was one that I had heard as a kid, listening to G.T. and the Halo Express. Who here remembers hearing these stories on cassette tape...? :-)

"Remember that the Lord your God is God. He is a faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands."

As a child, I would sing along, usually at the top of my little vocal chords, and not think twice about the words. Thanks, Mom, for ingraining so many verses into my head. Now, as an adult, I am able to pull from my store and meditate on these things.

When I look deeper at the verse, I'm struck by two things:

1. Faithful.
2. He keeps.

These are both actions. They may be thought of as stagnant words, but when I ponder them more, they're powerful.

1. God is to be trusted. We can put our faith in him. Whatever plans we concoct will fall terribly short in comparison. He is faithful in everything - how he provides is breathtaking. Anything good in my past did not come from my doing. Conversely, every heartache was usually brought on by myself.

2. God doesn't let me walk out alone. Whenever I take a step of faith, he's right there with me. He keeps me accountable, he keeps me fed, he keeps me joyful, he keeps me blessed. I never thought I would like "being kept." Sounds medieval, yes? I'm thinking, "a kept woman." No, I'm all about independence. But, in this case, it's perfectly ok to be kept by God. After all, he keeps me from harm and he keeps me for better things.

I've got to start trusting more.