I went to write to a friend about how I "live in South Korea," and at first, I made a typo: I wrote, "I love in South Korea." Funny how I didn't really want to change that. Because although Korea is not necessarily the most comfortable place for me, it's a place where I've received the most from God of anywhere - the most attention, love, peace, wisdom. I know it's not the place, but the time in my life. This has been a time of renewal. I'm becoming who I was always supposed to be, and yet totally changed. So yeah. I don't just live here: I love in South Korea.

just the blueprint of a blueprint

The Eat, Pray, Love author has finally admitted that there is a God - - but she's still saying that all roads lead to salvation. *Sigh* ah well. I'm not so agitated with the book anymore. It passes the time during my acupuncture sessions.

Did I mention that I've been having acupuncture for my right hip for almost two weeks now? Well, I have. And actually, it's something that I look forward to. It's a chance for me to relax after a long day of work. To close my eyes if I want to. To slow down and read for a half hour. I really, truly look forward to being stuck with several needles in my rear end every evening. And there's no sarcasm there.

Tomorrow's Thursday already - the weeks continue to fly by. I have mixed feelings about this: on the one hand, I don't want my life to speed along; conversely, I'm impatient and I always look forward to the next thing. The quick passage of time is (sometimes) something I welcome.

I've already had people asking, "So, what's next?"

...What is the next step? What will I do with my life? This has been an eventful year, but it's time to really get down to business and start climbing that career ladder, right, Leigh Margaret?

No.

I used to have all these desires. I wanted to do A., B., and C. by the time I was 22. And here I am, about to be 24 (according to Korea, haha) and I've not accomplished anything like I thought I would. I am so thankful that I didn't. If my "dream" had come true, I would be unhappily married in a small town in Eastern NC. Wishing that I could be designing costumes somewhere reputable. As it is, I'm a free lady living abroad, not using the major that I slaved over, or the previously proclaimed passions - and I'm so content with that idea. Sure, I get uncomfortable with life here and there, but I'm really so pleased with so many opportunities ahead of me.

That being said, I feel that God has changed my heart's desires and direction. I've been pondering eternity (a lot) recently, and my life looks so small. I'll be gone in a blink - but THEN, oh my goodness. To live forever is dizzying. That's why I want to make the most of the little time I have on this Earth. What can I do that will really make a difference? What is it that's going to change lives and be a positive influence for God?

I can't answer these questions right now. Before, I was hearing "wait," and now I see that God needed to refocus my mind. I hope to stay flexible and open to whatever, whenever, and wherever.

Eat, Pray, and Pretend That Somebody Gives a Rat's A** About Your Pitiful Manic Ramblings in a Book the Thickness of a Cereal Box

I mean, really- why am I reading this? Why do I continue to pick up this self-indulgent, self-help-book-in-disguise-as-a-novel? I've already seen the movie and therefore know how the story ends. What is it about this journey in my hands has me interested?

She's not even sane, I think. I mean, she's a writer, and what writer is...? They're either tragic introverts that cannot hold a decent conversation unless it's through some technology device; OR they're outgoing and frighteningly egotistical, but put on a show like they have low self-esteem so as to be accepted by the majority of the world. She's totally a fence-sitter. Can't make up her mind. Prays to God, but doesn't want to be firm in acknowledging that she can hear his voice. Instead, it's "that calm, compassionate, affectionate, and infinitely wise voice (who is maybe me, or maybe not exactly me.)" CHOOSE SOMETHING FOR ONCE. Ok, so you took a step to "find yourself" in three different countries (p.s. anyone can do that), but good grief, have a backbone. And then she drops all of these Italian words, like she's fluent or something.

Why am I so annoyed with this book?

Do you ever really dislike something in yourself? Of course, yeah, most of us have something that we would like to change. For me, it's pride. I have a natural confidence that can sometimes translate into pride, and I realize I have it, only when I see it in someone else. I am so peeved by this other person's lack of humility that I almost lose sight of the fact that it's me exactly, and like looking in a mirror. A mirror never tells us anything we want to see.

I wonder if my journey to South Korea is too similar to her story. I escaped my life in the States, just like she did. I ran away from a lot of financial worries, I left a broken "non"-relationship, I immersed myself in a new culture in an effort to cleanse my mind and heart. But I can see a stark difference. Yes, I keep a blog that is similar to this novel I'm reading. We are both searching for affirmation, pleasure, our life's purpose. Except - - I think I already know mine. She's planned her trip, but her heart-map is blind. She feeds her body, her "soul" and her libido but totally misses the mark. My heart is laid before my God, ready and anxious to begin its work, but I don't own a map for my body to follow....not yet, at least.

Oh, that's right

You have a plan for me.

pourquoi?

I really don't understand life sometimes. Why do things go wrong? Why do they not go the way I want them to go? "All things work together for good..." but it's not very good right now!

I was able to get to an acupuncturist so he could assess my hurting leg. It's been a few weeks now that I've had pain in my right calf muscle - but it was a deeper pain than just the lactic acid working its normal magic. There came a point (the other night) when I was running with a limp that went away during the run only because my endorphins kicked in (your body's natural painkiller is stronger than any manufactured one. Ever.) Upon returning home after a quick 4-miler, I could barely stand on my right leg, I was in so much pain. I'm ashamed to say that I crumbled in a sniffling heap on my floor because of it.

I did some stretches, but realized that this wasn't any ordinary running pain. After consulting with my mom, she suggested I find some kind of therapy. I wanted to stay away from anywhere that might just pass me some drugs. I want to eliminate the pain, not mask it.

So, off to the acupuncturist I went. Korea has made me so unabashed about my body. With the naked spas, laser hair removal - and now acupuncture on my hip - nothing is sacred. Good grief. Come to find out, it's not painful at all, and actually, feels kind of good. They took a hickey-machine to my skin to draw the blood closer to the surface. Since certain tissues in the body don't circulate blood as well as others, this is necessary and unfortunately uncomfortable - but only because it was ticklish. Then, the needles went in and I sat for about 10 or 15 minutes under a heat lamp. The doctor came in and told me I'd need to come back for more treatment and also said that I could not exercise for two weeks   **record scratches** WHAT.

If some of you have been reading this recently, you'll know that I've been training for my first half-marathon. I'm very excited to have a goal like this. I've always wanted to run, but never had the motivation + the time to devote. Since being in Korea, I have both and I feel superb! I used to hate running and now I look forward to the solitude; I can get away and just run; explore Gwangju and feel unencumbered by anything,

I'm afraid of what my body will do in two weeks. I rely on exercise to keep myself sane (otherwise I become anxious and depressed once a month) and so without it - who knows. Also, I don't want to lose the cardio or muscle I've built up (what little I have, haha!)

All that to say, I was crushed with the idea that I might not be able to race in a month. I mean, I've been training for three months and really looking forward to this.

After (again) consulting with my mom (who informed me that she had a similar injury when she was training for her first 1/2 marathon) she said that if I swim during the two weeks while I'm resting, and then build up in the two weeks prior to the race, I should be fine.

This is so long and drawn out. I'm tempted to just delete it all. But I think that would defeat the purpose of this blog. So here it all is. I'm really hoping I can run this race. I really wish my leg was able to be used with limping on it. I would really like to fast forward just a bit in my life. What is this for? Why am I going through this setback? I can't see it yet...but I'm sure I'll be writing about it when I do.

Tin-girl

I believe that certain life experiences can create a calloused heart. The wounded try very hard to let misguided insults just roll off - but in so many cases, the injuring words are like pressing your fingers into guitar strings; the pain only goes away because you can't feel it through your roughened fingertips. It's still there, and maybe still doing damage, but the musician is oblivious.

Who would forget words like, "I haven't loved you for a long time..."

"...I've never loved you..."

"...You never made me happy..."

"...If that's how you feel about this then I'm not even going to try..."

Abandonment. Rejection. Wounds.

For a long time, I've not allowed anything too close. I still don't want anybody close - but ever so gently, God is chipping away at my heart.

Two verses that echo each other are found in Ezekiel:

11:19 I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

As the Lord works on my spirit, he's making me more human and more like him at the same time. Because my non-stone heart? It's made of his flesh.

The covenant of the old Testament was written in stone, but the new covenant, the hadesh covenant, will be written on my heart. To be renewed and rebuilt is not to change the original, but to bring new life to it. Just how the moon is not "new" every month, but only seen in a new light. The new testament didn't come to change the old; rather, it came to reflect the truths and rebuild it. Under his new word, I will live according to his will because I desire to. He's giving me his heart.

He's breaking it for what breaks his own. We will have one heart in the end. Heart status? Maybe 42% original.

Nekevah

Perhaps some of you have already understood this - - I didn't. Isn't it amazing how the Bible can continue to speak new life and grant epiphanies, even after years of reading it?

Jeremiah 31:21-31

These verses caught my eye because of the strange gender-bending boundaries in verse 22:
"How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? The Lord will create a new thing on earth - a woman will surround a man."

What does that even mean? 'A woman will surround a man'?! This immediately brings to mind the idea that 'behind every great man, there is a great woman,' and 'the man is the head, and the woman is the neck,' (to quote a cheesy movie.)

I did a little more studying and found that the Hebrew word for woman/female here is nekevah. This word has a homophone that means, 'boundary.' Basically, the woman will be a 'boundary setter,' surrounding or enclosing the man. So strange. Recently, I've had a lot of conversations concerning how women were viewed in the Bible, and should we hold on to that today. You know the verses: 1 Timothy 2:11-12 about women being quiet and submissive and "I do not permit women to teach or have authority over a man; she must be silent." Yeah, I have no clue why this is in the Bible, but I'll be honest: it makes me super angry. Hence the conversations with people, debating on whether this was just Paul speaking, if this is completely from the Lord, or maybe it's a cultural thing for that time. I've still not figured it out.

The reason I'm so huffy about it, is because I feel God has called me to instruct in some way; to lead people. How am I supposed to have that calling on my life, but then be contradicted by it in 1 Timothy?! Geez, Paul.

I should add that the word 'man' that is used in these verses to contrast 'woman,' is not the exact opposite in Hebrew. The word geber is used, referring to the nature of a man, his strength and masculinity. It is based on the word gabar, meaning 'to be mighty.'

I'm in a period of singleness. I'm not sure how long this will last, and I'm coming to terms with the idea of it being forever. That's ok with me. My question is this - can a woman lead, on her own (with God of course, but) without a man? These verses in Jeremiah suggest that a woman is only these things in correlation with a dude.

By the way, a new verb - to renew, to rebuild, the replace - hadash is used often in these passages. Remember Esther's original Hebrew name? Hadassah. Similar, yes? She replaced the old queen Vashti, and was the bridge to rebuild Israel.

I realize this post is all over the place. Forgive me. Sometimes I have so much that my mind wants to process, but it feels overloaded. The best way for me to digest it is to talk about it. Or, in this case, write long rambling paragraphs that have no structure. Oh, happy day.

Back to work tomorrow

This has been an exquisite weekend. Jinju is always a highlight for me in Korea - - I just hope I don't wear out my welcome ;-)

Upon waking, I will have to begin the busiest day of the week. A full day of classes, plus tutoring immediately after work, and then a quick run after that. When will I have dinner? What an excellent question. Thankfully, after this week, Tuesdays will look a little different. MJ owes me one for taking his tutoring student while he's living it up in America. Who goes home for their cousin's wedding? Mine got married last week and nobody let me go home.

Five more months. I've made it to the other side of the hill. From here on out it will be (somewhat) downhill. With all my weekends booked as they are, I know that October will fly by. Ohhhhh man. SO, since time here is running out, I've begun my search for employment after my contract ends. Here's to hoping I'm going down the right path...

Lantern Festival - what didn't make the facebook album cut

 Outside my apartment one evening.

 Witch's brunch hideaway

 I'm sad to say this, but it sure beats Waffle House waffles.

 Admiring the lantern tunnel

 Random rides along the river

...because we're hipster...