An early morning

I was up until 4 am this morning. And woke up just now at 11 am. I am so silly. I wasn't sick (which is usually the reason that I'm ever up that late,) but just enjoying my weekend freedom.

I was writing a song. I haven't really written anything in a long time, which is strange and sad. I usually write like a fiend during the summer, when I have more free time. It's so therapeutic. I have this dream of recording a demo and seeing if I can perform anywhere, but I've not made the time to play out while here at school. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me what to do and all. It's really very sad that I'm not independent in that way (probably the only way that I'm not, or ever self-conscious.)

While I was awake in the wee morning hours, one of my friends from New York skyped me. He was upbeat at first, but I soon gathered that he had had about six alcoholic drinks and was only trying to mask the pain he was feeling.

He and I have always bonded over our love for songwriting and I think it's fun to share and bounce ideas off each other. This guy has no confidence though. He's so talented musically, and is lyrically as well, but never lets himself go with words. He's very careful with his lyrics and severally self-critical. I did my best to encourage him to forget his insecurities and just write what wanted to come out. That's the best way to do it. Just write and then go back and weed out or tweak what could be made better.

He's also been struggling with self-worth and ideas that opportunities have passed him by. He wasn't terribly specific, because we're not terribly close...although I suppose after skyping with him for two hours early in the morning, that brings us a step closer in our friendship.

I was hesitant, but I knew it needed to be said: "How much do you love Jesus?" As much as I adore and live my whole life for God, I still get insecure about bringing him up in conversation with people who feel differently than me. I think this is because I used to be so judgmental and self-righteous. Something I have since tried to cleanse myself from. No one likes a judge. I'm not supposed to judge. That's for the Lord. I am to love others and reflect His love for me.

So I said it. He didn't laugh at me. He didn't make fun at all. And I don't think he felt judged. This guy seemed lost and hurt and desperate for something to fill him up. Last night, it was alcohol in an effort to forget that he's hurting. He asked me, "How is it that you're so happy? You seem happy. I want that."

And I couldn't deny that it was the Lord. I'm a naturally upbeat person, but I also have the tendency to become anxious and ridiculous if I try to live life on my own. I am pleased that I listened to God's prompting, got over myself and shared my faith with him. I told him I would pray for him, and I intend to keep him in mind. I know his life will change and be better. I want him to find peace so badly. But I've said my part and all I can do now is pray.