the real gossip girl

I had a word slip-up last summer that landed me in an uncomfortable situation. I tried to make light of an upsetting event for a friend and ended up hurting someone else's feelings. I went to this someone else (his ex-girlfriend) and apologized. I did my best to be sincere but my efforts were not well-received. In return, I was written - at the time, what I thought - was the most vehement, poisonous reply. This girl let me have it and threw my Christianity in my face. I was humbled, humiliated and ashamed. Since then, I've had a slow recovery from the disease of gossiping and her words would often echo in my head:


"You always struck me as the person who would say "This isn't right. We shouldn't be talking about people like this." Then I see that you were the one saying the worst things. Calling yourself a Christian and acting like one are two different things, Leigh Margaret."

She went on to say that I was beautiful and would always be more beautiful than her. That she hoped X and I ended up together because "God knows you deserve each other." About seven paragraphs of biting rebuke was enough to keep my ears burning for a long time.

I stumbled across that same reply this evening and reread it. Between her last reply (last summer) and now, I had written her again to demonstrate how truly sorry I was. To let her know that her words had some affect and that I wanted to try one last time for forgiveness. I never heard back from her, but I was able to be released with the knowledge that if I couldn't feel freed from her anger, that God would forgive me. Rereading her words, and not reacting with any emotion, (being so far removed from that time) gave me new eyes for this girl. The anger and resentment that I had detected before turned into sadness, and someone crying out desperately for approval. Not to me - but to anyone that would listen. She refuted every point that I made fun of her about; I suppose I should be annoyed with how defensive she was, because my words, for the most part, were meant as a joke. Now, I see that she was simply stating truth - how she has insecurities just like everyone else. That I shouldn't be one to tear down. I have such a life that I have progressed farther than my peers. I should be building and encouraging those that need the affirmation. That need the extra help.

Maybe this is too personal. It shows you a side of me that perhaps you didn't know. And it has nothing to do with living in South Korea. But it is my blog, and my life. I would rather be real and vulnerable to demonstrate that I am not perfect, than pretend like I have it all together. God is continually showing me my faults and is cutting off my forked tongue a little bit at a time.