Cheated

Here we go - a new year. Another chance to make my life better. It's funny that people feel like a year marker is a good time (or the only time, rather) to make a difference in their lives. Someone asked me last night if I had any resolutions. Because I'm going to a different country very shortly, I feel like I can't make resolutions without first experiencing my new life there. It's kind of unfair to ask me to plan my year, when I have no idea how I'm going to react to all the newness. Also, I try to better myself and grow closer to God everyday - and that's really what I'm striving for in my life. Why try to start over once every year, when God has given you a new day, everyday?

I'm a little angry. I guess I won't be veiled in this or really care if the person I'm mad at reads this. He told me so many things, that seemed like promises. I guess they weren't. I don't know. We weren't even together. But he boosted my ego and made me feel like I was a goddess. I didn't want him. I want somebody that loves Jesus. And he basically worshiped me, because he doesn't have a God to worship. That's too much pressure. It was not the right thing.

I wish I had thought through the decisions I was making a year ago that led me to where I am now. I never stopped to think that maybe I was ruining a great, platonic friendship, when I allowed myself to explore a romantic side with him. It was foolish and I hate myself for it.

Now, he's chasing after all these other girls, just to fill that void in his life. I knew it would happen and I did my  best to prepare myself for it. I knew I would feel cheated. But my best was not enough because I'm pissed. When somebody builds me up that much and then suddenly switches his focus, that seems dishonest, or unfaithful. It can't be though, because I turned him away and we were never committed! Why am I such a weirdo?!

I know what it is, though. I was trying so hard to love the Lord but my focus was being shifted to him. His world is dark and lonely and made up of him trying to make all of his anger and pain go away. Only God can do that. He relied on himself for everything, believed that everything he had came about because of his own accomplishments. It was a strange, uncomfortable, panicky kind of world. I had a lot of panic attacks while I was with him. I think it was more spiritual than anything. God didn't want me in that situation. Thank goodness He got me out when he did.

And here I am, stuck with the aftermath. He's off chasing any skirt that has big, blue eyes, and I'm still alone. I'm really ok with being alone. Like I said, I just feel cheated. And I hate him. And I hope he chokes on his charm and wit.